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fallapartinside's LiveJournal:
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| Friday, July 4th, 2008 | | 10:48 pm |
i dont do this journal thing anymore.....i dont even really go on the computer, its just gotten so over rated. and its something to do when im bored. im not really sure wut to say besides that this will be my last entry on here. i dont feel the need in sharing my life on this website. im not a little child anymore and hope that the person im writting about will read wut i wrote, im an adult, so i hope you all enjoyed my life, see ya.. i will leave you with this........there was a girl who i loved with everything inside of me, there was a girl who i would do anything for, there was a girl who i cared so much about, that will never change, even though she wants nothing to do with me, my feelings have always been with her because she was my first love. so Gina if you ever get bored on day and look for my journal, please know i will always love you. | | Thursday, October 13th, 2005 | | 9:11 pm |
| | Sunday, July 17th, 2005 | | 1:25 am |
& she sat .. she sat for hours, wondering what she had done. to deserve any of this pain that she was feeling. wondering what she had done to make you go away wondering what she had done to want to make you break her heart in two && as she started to cry, she began asking herself why she ever said .. " i love you Current Mood: fuck you | | Wednesday, June 15th, 2005 | | 9:54 pm |
there all the same, and its just the plain truth.... today sucked but who cares right | | Friday, June 10th, 2005 | | 7:57 am |
just a quick update before i put this kids on the bus.. started going out with Ashely Thursday June 9th, 2005 at 9:17pm :) Current Mood:  indescribable | | Saturday, June 4th, 2005 | | 2:35 pm |
my life is changing in many ways, and i sit here with time when i can really think about it all and i see them all fading, just fading away. wut i once use to have a year ago is nothing close to wut im left with now. as soon as i dropped out of school everyone was gone just everyone. i see some people every once in awhile but its just not the same. i see everyone going back to old habits and i hate i just hate it badly. am i the only one who changed for the better, but why do i have to be the one who suffers who loses everyone? | | Friday, June 3rd, 2005 | | 8:26 am |
yes im here with an update for you lovely people on my so wonderful life haha. um yah me and chelsea arnt really in talking terms anymore. and im not going to let it bother be the way ive let it get to me the past 3 yrs. i guess im over it all now. im seeing past the part where ive loved her and she fails to see me here. but its her choice you know. im not going to stand there and take the pain ive been taking for such a long time. i need to free myself from her from this and just enjoy everything around me. hmm wut else. i met this girl from myspace named ashely. weve chilled a couple times and shes an awesome person. wut i can say is that while ive hung out with her i havent been depressed at all or thought about anything to make me depressed and man it feels great to have met a positive person....i didnt wonna post anything before because of the whole nick thing which was so horrible and still is. so much pops in my mind when i think of that like alexis and woodward it really gets to me at points....but i dont wonna end my update sad soooo.....wut a beautiful day it is outside. i havent really slept and i dont think i want to because its so nice out. i wonna enjoy this weather badly. i work today from 430-1030 which isnt to bad. ill see andy and maybe ben. then we can pour shit all over mel again like the hot sause and hot pepper relish haha that was so great. when i got andy with oil and flour. i feel so free so wonderful so good so happy its really nice to feel this way. angela is happy its only so rare that i can really say this but for a few days things are pretty ok. i get paid on monday which ill be giving my mom 50 dollars and keeping the rest to myself. which i dont really use money for anything besides cabs or cds and dvds. ive got an idea and wut i wonna do this time but not really sure how to bring it up, because "angela is shy" haha thats so nice to use. no but sometimes i really am. well im done my update now i must check myspace out have a nice day everyone. | | Wednesday, May 25th, 2005 | | 9:37 pm |
updating yay.....well ive been working alot getting paid so good to. ive never felt so rich before in my life...im going to a concert on june 12th. oh yes its going to kick ass....ive been having fucked up dreams lately scared me to death. things are going pretty well though, besides the fact that me and chelsea keep fighting about stupid shit... i guess it just hit that point where we need to fight now,since we refuse to say how we feel...things will be ok though. im still single which is fine with me because its less money i have to waste lol...um ive been chilling with angela off and on not in the past 4 or 5 days though. ive talked to elaine alil bit. other then that i donno wut else to tell you people. ummm im moving to florida in the begining of next june, which will be so awesome. well im gonna go for now ill update again sometime take care everyone | | Monday, May 16th, 2005 | | 7:32 am |
i havent written anything in awhile i can say things are going pretty well for me. im getting a cell phone today. when i go get my money from work. i have the day off today which is nice cus then i can relax all day and night. i may hangout with angela today which would be nice. i have my old cell phone still but im not sure i wonna use that one. i do have some numbers in it. it depends how much a flip phone costs. saturday evening chelsea came over and a few hours later we got weed. tina and jessica walked here with jess'2 cousin we got a handle of southern comfort and got completely trashed. it was great besides the fact we were really fucked up. tomorrow im working from 7-12 which is close and im gonna be so fucking tired. they want me to work fucking fridays saturdays and sundays which i so hate that because thats the only time i can spend with my friends but its money you know and u cant always get wut u want so im gonna have to deal with that. i got this disk thingy for my digital cam that makes it hold 100 pictures which is so awesome. ya so that was my update bye all | | Thursday, May 5th, 2005 | | 7:08 pm |
just a quick update. i got a job i start training tomorrow at C&M pizza. which is so lovey because i needed a job badly. and that made my day today. :) | | Thursday, April 28th, 2005 | | 4:22 pm |
I will not be posting any entries in here for awhile. ive been using blurty as my private journal for now. just until i can figure some shit out. im moving in 2 days. hope everyone is doing well.. | | Sunday, April 24th, 2005 | | 9:24 pm |
when you believe in something enough isnt it real? perception is reality. i think i know wut it is about her....its the first time you see her, those eyes hypnotize you. they grab you and suck you into this deep trace that makes you want to know her. shes not just beautiful theres much more about her that people beg to find out. never in my life has a kiss felt so perfect, just so right. i shake still because every touch or kiss makes me fall in love with her all over again. she asked me wut is it about her that makes me wonna stay, and its just everything. im so drawn to her. and maybe if i could write some words to just explain it, things would be more clear for her. theres only so many ways you can explain things with words and most of the time when u try to explain something its to hard because words themselves dont give the full detail of it all. if we could take our minds and record how we think and feel and trade it with someone then they could see it all and feel every emotion that we feel. they could see all the truths inside of you, and know that wut u say isnt just a bunch of lines but its spoken words from the heart and soul of everything. i wish i could take her hand and place it on my heart and all the love could seep in to her skin. | | 3:26 pm |
i cant believe wut a boring day. me and chris went to burger king. i tried a veggie burger EWW.then we went to brookline to get cigs. talked about all kinds of shit...im waiting for my mom to come home from the store so we can bring some shit to the apartment. oh man i forgot to mention chelsea heard me sing lastnight i was embarrassed at first because only elaine has heard me sing before but it was all gravy baby. im so bored right now that im going to pack...later all Current Mood:  bored | | 12:14 pm |
well i didnt get shit for sleep lastnight. i just couldnt seem to fall asleep. so i just watched tv all night and thought about a lot of things. i have another shrink app. on friday how fun is that!!!NOT. im waiting for chris to come over were gonna go to NH and get cigs and talk. hey girl you know who you are when u read this, thanx for attacking me. i have a good hickey on my neck i guess u marked ur territory, as well as did i haha. i have so much packing to do since were moving this coming weekend oh boy. its going to be wierd living at the other place for the first few months i have to get use to it all. as soon as we move ill be looking for a job until i get one. im just waiting for my results in the mail whenever that maybe i hope soon and i hope i passed. im scared to see wut the scores are. but i gotta get going and be ready for whenever chris comes ill write later by all. Current Mood:  cheerful | | Saturday, April 23rd, 2005 | | 11:19 pm |
well the love of my life just left like 5 min ago. ill be calling her soon. i had fun though. its so beautiful. we were fighting over her shirt of course i won. haha she got me just about half naked because i hid her shirt in my pants. shes so adorible. i havent had this much fun in a long time it was really nice spending time with her. well ill be getting online soon to call her.ill write later | | 3:01 pm |
sheltered in these thoughts that seem to lead me nowhere. im dying im just completely dying. but im dying to hold you and to touch you and to speak the words i love you. it may not be enough but it is all that i can offer. if words could speak complete feelings then maybe it would be more understandable for you as to knowing my exact emotions that are burried deep within me. i feel so worthless sometimes. i feel like i could never be good enough for u to love back, or to actually wonna be with me. maybe i just care to much is that possible? everyone says play hard to get, pretend u dont care but i cant do those things it just doesnt seem right. maybe i shoulda showed emotion lastnight maybe thats wut u wanted was a reaction from me. i donno wut to do anymore but just cry, and try letting it all out, but i so badly wonna fight back all these tears but sometimes i just cant help it and they just start falling uncontrolably. if ur heart is already broken then why does it keep breaking once it already is, its alike my heart is turning into ashes now. just rotting away in my body. im not even mad anymore just extremely emotional. i cant pretend that this doesnt bother me when i know its destroying me so bad. i can feel so much pain right now it unbareable. i feel like someone is stabbing me non stop as im begging them to stop to just stop. man oh man i wish u knew just how much this is really killing me. if u could see just how red my eyes are from crying maybe then i donno i just dont know. i just randomly took a picture of my eye after crying. ill put it on myspace.with my other pictures. i think i should stop writing now and smoke a cig Current Mood:  crushed | | 8:53 am |
all i could do lastnight was laugh instead of cry. it was like when i could feel the tears building up i just laughed to block them from falling down. jealousy is filtered in my mind right now. and i still just cant believe it. these thoughts are all bunched up. im not sure where they want to go. for some reason this feels like it hurts more then i want it to. and when i tell myself to not let it hurt, i just make it worse. i just wonna block it all out of my mind. you know just forget it all. i just sat there lastnight feeling my heart just caving in. feeling like i was dying inside, but i told her i was already dead. i wanted to hide all the feels i didnt want her to see me caving in. why because i didnt want to put all that stress on her, make her feel bad, so i just told her to laugh with me. i just dont know wut it is about only her that makes me wonna stay. something draws me to her in the deepest ways. when we were kissing lastnight i just wanted to stop and tell her that i loved her but i just didnt do it. i couldnt stare in her eyes for that long so i turned my face or looked at something else when our eyes met. when she told me she had feelings for me i wanted to say explain wut u mean when u hsay i have feelings for me, because then maybe i woulda said more but i didnt have the nerve to say it. i felt like she was waiting for some reaction from me. she wanted me to yell at her but i couldnt. i just couldnt do it. thats not my way of making the situation better. in all honesty i just wanted to hold her and never let her go. it was nice to see her again right when i opened that door it was like to good to be true. you know having the girl of ur dreams standing there right in front of you. i ask myself how can someone effect me like she does? its so over powering. my love must be that deep enough that it takes over everything in my mind....i wonna be numb and block out these emotions...i justm dont wonna feel right now because all i feel is pain and jealousy. i must be selfish i donno Current Mood:  awake | | Tuesday, April 19th, 2005 | | 10:45 am |
i've been waking up early to watch my cousins in the morning. which ill be getting paid for that on the end of the week. then i can buy more cds. i donno why but i always buy new cds its an addiction but i love it. i need to put atleast 50 in the bank though. so i can keep money in my account. i mean i have some already in there but its being saved for college. Oh shit, OH MAN i have my test today. I cant wait. ill see bobby and candys there. dont i just love the ex g/fs. atleast she still talks to me though, im not so hated by one of them. dont i feel special :) i take it that dave is now mad at me because i told him i was a lesbian. oh well i only wanted to fuck karl anyways no one said anything about him you know. so i dont get why he thought he was going to be with me i never gave him the impression i wanted him. oh yes im a bitch who cares deal with it. the only thing i want is a female. I mean come on now I've fucked around with 8 or more girls and you people dont think im a lesbian i mean if i keep going back i must love it. im not sure wuts going to happen this summer, but i plan to stay drug free, and not get into drinking so much. i havent drank in such a long time which is wonderful i can finally see everything around me now its really great. | | Monday, April 18th, 2005 | | 5:10 pm |
well tomorrow is the big day. ill be so whiped out after testing for 4 hours. im a little nervous but i think i can really do this. i chilled with dave for a couple of hours yesterday it was nice. OMG isnt it weird angela chilling with a guy OH NO. but i think i really want to be with karl. hes just so friggen adorible, and hes 24. i did a little more packing today. i dont want to just pack everything up just yet because who knows wut ill need in the next 2 weeks you know. I've talked to some really hot girls this week its crazy. im so loving this. nothing really knew just yet. ive been going through the college forms though. picking out my classs and things like that which is nice. I'll walk in whatever college and show the girls just how openly gay i am :) screw finding love. im sick so sick of love. and i seem to forget chelsea so easy now. because when i think about her now i feel so sick. everything i read from her just makes my mind so fucked up. i just cant deal with it anymore. its final i have given up, and not to sound like an asshole but i just dont seriously care anymore lol. hmm wut else oh i guess i have to becareful wut i write in my journal now because gina doesnt like it. but hey im suppose to keep a journal my shrink said its good to write. she said we need to find the problems and fix them. so i write wutever pops in my mind. | | Sunday, April 17th, 2005 | | 5:17 pm |
Dream On Everytime that I look in the mirror All these lines on my face gettin' clearer The past is gone It went by like dust to dawn Isn't that the way Everybody's got their dues in life to pay I know nobody knows Where it comes and where it goes I know it's everybody's sin You got to lose to know how to win Half my life's in books written pages Lived and learnd from fools and from sages You know it's true All these things come back to you Sing with me, sing for the years Sing for the laughter 'n sing for the tears Sing with me, if it's just for today Mabye tomorrow the good Lord will take you away Dream On, dream on, dream on Dream yourself a dream come true Dream On, dream on, dream on Dream until your dream comes true Dream On, Dream On, Dream On Dream On, Dream On, Dream On, Dream On Sing with me, sing for the years Sing for the laughter 'n sing for the tears Sing with me, if it's just for today Maybe tomorrow the good Lord will take you away |
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